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Sad First Week of School

Smörgåsbord

Yesterday was our first day of school for 2007-8. It was off to a great start. I was up at 6:30am getting things done, got the kids up for our annual “Back to School Breakfast” (and got to have it at my favorite breakfast taco joint in TEXAS this year)… and we even managed to find a Teacher Supply store so I could get my lesson planner and some stickers for the kids. We always buy supplies on our first day of school.

After the teacher store, we headed over to Wal-Mart for some spirals and a glue stick. I started feeling funny. Then I realized I was bleeding. I put myself on bed rest for the remainder of the day as soon as we got home and called the doctor. We did most of our school activities in my king sized bed together and I managed to fill out my lesson planner for the week while my back began to hurt and I started cramping.

This morning, with the cramping getting worse, I headed in to the doctor’s office with a dread of the news I was to get. Some part of me still hoped that it was fixable with some medicine and maybe a little bed rest. I knew when they did the ultrasound and the baby was no-where to be found that the little guy had died. Doc said that it happened about two weeks ago from the size of what was left of him. He said it was probably chromosome abnormality and may have been prolonged by the progesterone shots I have been taking since week 5 after that last photo I saw of him. He gave me some narcotic pain meds and iron pills and said to stay close to home for a few days before heading over to the lab for final blood testing. He canceled my next appointment and sent me on my way.

The kids really took it hard. Kev took the day off from work and had a good cry. I have been on and off with the tears, but the pain medicine is taking the edge off of my emotions as well as the rest of the process. Needless to say we didn’t get any first day of school photos yesterday… nor did we do any school today. If I didn’t have tuna steak in the fridge, I wouldn’t be cooking dinner tonight, either. Kev went to the store to get a few groceries and my mom (who went with me to the doctor to watch the kids) is napping. None of us got much sleep last night. Even my little one, Morgan, was up worrying about Mommy and slept on the floor beside my bed last night.

Hopefully tomorrow we can start over again and try to re-start this week. I know that I am certainly not the only woman who has had a hope dashed in this way before. It is amazing how much you can miss a teeny tiny little person you have never even met! We’ve been calling little “Shannon” our angel lately. Kaden had a dream about him last night, so we decided it really must have been a boy. He said he was about 4 and running around hugging everyone. One day, I hope I get to hug him back. A beating heart – even if it is only beating for a short few weeks – must have a soul attached somewhere.

Yesterday morning – almost as a goodbye to my little boy – I had been singing “Glory Baby” by Watermark in the car (along with all my other favorite Watermark songs on that same CD). I didn’t even know he was gone at the time. I felt such peace. I know God was with me the whole time. Even today when the doctor was silent as he searched again for another sign of life on the screen before telling me the news… I felt peace. That is peace that defies understanding. I don’t know how anyone could survive life’s disappointments without it.

Isaiah 53:4 ~ Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.

Job 1:20 ~ At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart. [c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

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  3. I am so glad to know that you have the Lord to lean on through all this and that you have a mature enough relationship with Him to trust in His ways!!

    You are quite correct that your Baby Shannon has a spirit and will be there in Heaven to greet you and your family. Isn't that such a comfort??

    Our former pastor's wife had one of those mother's mecklaces with the birthstone children on them. You know the ones?? Well there were 3 figures on there and they come to our church 10 years ago with a 12 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. I never really noticed that there was an extra figure, until one day another woman at our church lost her baby after announcing it in service the week before that they were expecting. They were devestated. They had one son already and were young, but it was still very painful. That was when she pointed out her necklace to a group of us who worked together with the woman who'd just lost her baby before we were to pray for her. She mentioned that it stays with you a little, but the pain of it decreases with time. She still wondered what that child would have been like and if it was a boy or girl. It didn't consume her thoughts and it wasn't unhealthy, just a part of her life–exactly like her other kids, so when she got the necklace, she added a figure for the child she lost in the color of month that she lost it. Just a little thing, but it helped her to feel more reality of meeting that child one day in Heaven and having all her questions answered.

    I hope this helps and I will be in prayer for your entire family.

  5. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Truly, the Lord has got His arms around you and is holding all of you tight. 🙂
    JoAnn

  6. Dearest Heather, I am so very sorry. May the Lord comfort you and your precious family in ways that only He can. Love, Patricia

  8. Thanks so much for your comments and prayers. I am thankful for your kindness towards our family. I love the idea of getting a little birthstone for the baby for my necklace. What a sweet idea. Thanks Isaiahzmomma.

  9. I’m crying right now. How very sad for you and your family. What tenderness to see in your children- that touches me.

    The girls and I will pray for your family at breakfast time tomorrow.

  10. I am so sad with you.
    But I have to tell you – the verses you posted here and your attitude is a joy.
    I pray that you are seeing only one set of footprints in the sand.

  11. Heather,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage earlier this year. I was so excited to be expecting after so long-my youngest is 8. It was hard, but God also comforted me with the words of Isaiah. I will be praying for you and your family. -Christy

  12. My mother lost a baby when he was about the same age as yours. The memory that I lost a brother has always been with me. I was afraid during each of my three pregnancies that I would lose one of the babies, so I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was far enough along to show. I went into premature labor with my middle son (who will soon be 15). We spent the last six weeks at home on bed rest. I’m sorry you lost your baby and glad that you feel at peace.

  13. I guess we’ll have to wait for heaven to meet little Shannon Shannon Shannon. I’ll be praying for all of you. I’m glad you have Jesus to lean upon.

    The boys are starting prayer journals tomorrow and I’ll be sure they add your family.

    Big Colorado hugs for you, sweetie.
    In Him,
    dianne

  15. So very sorry to hear this…God bless your entire family, Heather. I can’t even imagine what you all are going through but, thank God, you have a tight cohesive family in constant touch with God. He’ll get you all through this and bless you for your faithfulness in ways you can’t imagine. We’ll be praying for your comfort and encouragement. God be with you all in this trying time.

  16. Oh sweetie, I am SO sorry to hear this, if you need to talk, feel free to email me AmberTITL @ gmail.com

    You are in my prayers. Please be strong, your baby just wasn’t ready to come into this world yet, but maybe he or she will come again.

    God Bless,
    Amber

  17. I just finished reading your post. I know this is sad, but just think, your son is looking down from heaven at you with Jesus by his side.

    Again, feel free to email me ANY time.

    God Bless,
    Amber

  18. I am so sorry for you ~ I too, experienced two back to back miscarriages after my two sons were born. No real explanations were known at the time. When I become pregant with my daugther, I went in as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test. The doctor then started me on progesterone suppositories daily, because my own hormone level was low. By God’s grace, our daughter was then born nine months later. I understand your heartache and pray that God will bind your heart. I just said a prayer for you for comfort for your entire family. Blessings to you.

  20. I am so sorry, Heather! Thankful for the peace only God can bring.

    Thankful, too, for the prayers/songs of Watermark. How soothing and worshipful they are! I wish they were still a band so they could continue to minister to others.

  21. I have two babies in heaven. I know that they are worshipping the Lord Jesus right alongside your precious Shannon and all of the other sweet souls who never know the tears and sorrow this life includes.

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  22. I am so sorry so your family’s loss. I know that someday you will see your little Shannon again and be able to hug him (or her.) My prayers go out for all of you.

  26. I’m so sorry Heather. I too have a little on in heaven that I long to see. Maybe he or she is playing with little Shannon right now.

    Our God is good. We can have hope that we will one day be reunited. I’m praying for you and your family.

    Have an awesome and wonderful day filled with God’s peace!

  28. Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. How precious of you to share this event with all of us. I was sharing in your joy and now in your sorrow. Prayers for you and yours are being said by us here. {Hug} :(`

  31. I am so sorry for your loss! Praise God that your little one is in His arms right now and that you will see him someday!

    I can so relate to what you going through. I will be praying for you all!

  34. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so easy to get attached to them, even when you can’t feel them, isn’t it?

    I lost one 2 years ago. I’m glad I managed to be pregnant again before we passed the due date, and now I have a wonderful baby girl.

    Sometimes, as much as I love modern science and medicine, sometimes I think it was easier when people didn’t know about early miscarriages. It’s so sad to have that loss.

  37. I never leave comments, but your post hit so close to home and left me in tears. We lost baby #6 in March at almost 12 weeks. We also lost baby #1. It is such a deeply personal pain and greiving that never leaves you this side of heaven and I find it one that is hard to relate to others. You are in my prayers. Cling to God’s goodness and sovereign will – it is a balm like no other.

  39. I am so sorry for your loss. I believe we’ll meet all of our babies in heaven too. That thought has sustained me many times. I wish you quick healing and much peace.

  40. I am so sorry for you and your family. I truly don’t know how one can cope after such loss.

    This is what the LORD says: “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more.”
    Jeremiah 31:15 NIV

    “Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.”
    Psalm 6:2-4,6-9 NIV

    “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
    1 Peter 5:7 NIV

    I have a small book with comforting verses that I will mail to you if you feel like emailing me your address. God bless.

  41. Oh how hard. and to think I was whining because we lost a day of school to a sore throat…

    Lord, show yourself strong to Sprittibee and family and snuggle that little one close in Your arms!

  42. I clicked over to your blog from a friend’s blog, and am reading about your sad news. My heart breaks for you, Heather. May you experience the inexplicable peace of our Lord during this seemingly senseless time of loss.

  45. Heather, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a little one two years ago in August, and I still miss that little one. God does heal, and it is not as painful to think about that little one up in heaven right now.

    (((HUGS))) Tami

  46. how i hate to hear that. it sure seems like a lot of my blog friends have experienced this loss lately or maybe i’m more attuned to it since it recently happened to me. i’m just so sorry.

  49. if i have a baby and it died when i didn’t know i would be very sad. i’m very sorry about your loss. iwish you and your family good luck and let god always be with you.